Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Monday, September 27, 2010
Still Engayged
It has been very hard to move forward and get in the wedding planning mood. I have been suffering from some anxiety and have so much to do. At the same time I dont feel like doing much of anything at all. Sometimes I'd like something to look forward to.. other times I hate the idea of moving forward. Life seems so difficult.
I want to marry Rolanda and she is definitely something I have to look forward to.. a life with her. I fear one day God will take her away from me, sooner than I expect. Very paranoid these days.
In effort to get into the spirit of wedding planning, today I went on a site that has become one of my favorites..
I REALLY like www.soyoureengayged.com. The blogs are nice.
Delaware — Marisa Taylor Photography is offering 20% off any package for all winter weddings (December 1, 2010-March 31, 2011) and 10% off any wedding package for 2011 after March 31, 2011, just for mentioning So You’re EnGAYged!
Her highest package is $1300. I will check her out.
New Jersey — Because of her support and belief that there should be beautiful gay weddings in every state of the union, if you mention you saw Marie Labbancz Photography on So You’re EnGAYged, she’ll pick up the transportation cost for travel to your wedding in any state of the union
I've only looked at a few of her photos and LOVE THEM. I like her style.
I like how this couple named their tables after each location where gay marriage is legal.
This couple had a travel themeed destination wedding. Love the invites:
I want to marry Rolanda and she is definitely something I have to look forward to.. a life with her. I fear one day God will take her away from me, sooner than I expect. Very paranoid these days.
In effort to get into the spirit of wedding planning, today I went on a site that has become one of my favorites..
I REALLY like www.soyoureengayged.com. The blogs are nice.
Delaware — Marisa Taylor Photography is offering 20% off any package for all winter weddings (December 1, 2010-March 31, 2011) and 10% off any wedding package for 2011 after March 31, 2011, just for mentioning So You’re EnGAYged!
Her highest package is $1300. I will check her out.
New Jersey — Because of her support and belief that there should be beautiful gay weddings in every state of the union, if you mention you saw Marie Labbancz Photography on So You’re EnGAYged, she’ll pick up the transportation cost for travel to your wedding in any state of the union
I've only looked at a few of her photos and LOVE THEM. I like her style.
I like how this couple named their tables after each location where gay marriage is legal.
This couple had a travel themeed destination wedding. Love the invites:
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
however..
I do recall something that I plan to go back to and get involved in when we are up to it:
www.soyoureengayged.com
www.soyoureengayged.com
Stand Still
Having a difficult time. Its still an unreal thing to me. I miss my mother and think about her ALOT. Wondering how she felt in her last moments. Wondering how her spirit feels today? Does she watch over me all of the time?
It is hard to move forward. I have little desire to do anything these days, yet I keep pushing.
I get anxious feelings at random moments. And depressed. I miss her. It doesn't seem fair that she is gone so early.
I can talk about it but it still doesn't seem like a real thing.
There are times that I feel very alone. Rolanda is there, but sometimes she makes me feel alone too. Especially if we have a disagreement. Life just doesn't seem as exciting without my mother. I dont have many things to look forward to like before. Yes I am engaged and have a wedding to plan. But I do not look forward to pulling Rolanda's teeth to plan it. I dont feel like alot of things. I know I do not make enough money at my job, but I do not know if I have the energy to put into a new position. My community work, I do not know if I can keep up the energy for it.
I am just at a standstill.
It is hard to move forward. I have little desire to do anything these days, yet I keep pushing.
I get anxious feelings at random moments. And depressed. I miss her. It doesn't seem fair that she is gone so early.
I can talk about it but it still doesn't seem like a real thing.
There are times that I feel very alone. Rolanda is there, but sometimes she makes me feel alone too. Especially if we have a disagreement. Life just doesn't seem as exciting without my mother. I dont have many things to look forward to like before. Yes I am engaged and have a wedding to plan. But I do not look forward to pulling Rolanda's teeth to plan it. I dont feel like alot of things. I know I do not make enough money at my job, but I do not know if I have the energy to put into a new position. My community work, I do not know if I can keep up the energy for it.
I am just at a standstill.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
My Love
I've laid next to her and watched her sleep every night for a week now. Last Saturday she was awake all night. This Saturday her body is calm and hopefully dreaming of her mom. I want to protect her and heal all pain. I told her everything I've ever learned about death. I hope she'll believe me and be at peace with the loss of our mom. Noone can replace this great woman but I can love her just as much. I will do anything for her. God, she has my heart and I will never take it back. Please allow my days to be longer than hers.
I don't want to ever see her cry the way that she has in this last week. I admit that I've done many things to distract her. I've never been in this situation. I didn't know how to handle it. I've probably talked her ear off about nonsense. I've even become jealous of people trying to share her time. I've been very aroused around her. I didn't realize that we'd gone so many days without kissing as a greeting. I guess that's because I never let her leave my side. Yeah I pleased her twice but I felt the difference. She did tremble but it didn't come from deep within. It was a temporary release, not our usual love making.
All I've wanted to do is sweep her away from everyone and hold her. I know it's best to allow her to grieve for Mom but I'm scared she'll get depressed. I was nervous about the funeral but it went well. There were many times that she cried today and I fought the urge to grab her. I allowed her family to console her. I held her tightly with my eyes. The days to come will be rough but I'll remain by her side.
Our plan was to save for our wedding and take fewer trips. Now I want to take her everywhere and do everything. The death of Mom has shown that our date could be sooner than we think. I'd rather spend every waking and sleeping hour making her happy.
I don't want to ever see her cry the way that she has in this last week. I admit that I've done many things to distract her. I've never been in this situation. I didn't know how to handle it. I've probably talked her ear off about nonsense. I've even become jealous of people trying to share her time. I've been very aroused around her. I didn't realize that we'd gone so many days without kissing as a greeting. I guess that's because I never let her leave my side. Yeah I pleased her twice but I felt the difference. She did tremble but it didn't come from deep within. It was a temporary release, not our usual love making.
All I've wanted to do is sweep her away from everyone and hold her. I know it's best to allow her to grieve for Mom but I'm scared she'll get depressed. I was nervous about the funeral but it went well. There were many times that she cried today and I fought the urge to grab her. I allowed her family to console her. I held her tightly with my eyes. The days to come will be rough but I'll remain by her side.
Our plan was to save for our wedding and take fewer trips. Now I want to take her everywhere and do everything. The death of Mom has shown that our date could be sooner than we think. I'd rather spend every waking and sleeping hour making her happy.
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